Ladies, gentlemen, and all you beautiful mutants out there, hold onto your chimichangas because Deadpool 3 has arrived to blow your minds and possibly your eardrums with its excessive fourth-wall-breaking and gratuitous violence!
In this latest installment of “How Much Can We Push the R-Rating Before the MPAA Has an Aneurysm,” our favorite anti-hero Wade Wilson is back, and he’s bringing a friend. That’s right, folks – Wolverine is joining the party! It’s like a buddy cop movie, if one of the buddies couldn’t stop healing and the other couldn’t stop talking.
Sources close to the production (and by “sources,” we mean the voices in Deadpool’s head) have hinted at a plot so convoluted it makes the X-Men timeline look like a straight line. Apparently, Deadpool and Wolverine will be traversing the multiverse, popping in and out of various Marvel properties faster than you can say “intellectual property rights nightmare.”
One scene reportedly features the dynamic duo crash-landing in the middle of an Avengers meeting, with Deadpool immediately trying to sell Stark Tower to cover the “minor” property damage they’ve caused across 14 dimensions. Meanwhile, Wolverine just grunts and tries to stab Thor, because let’s face it, that’s his love language.
But wait, there’s more! In a twist that nobody saw coming (except for literally everyone who’s ever read a comic book), it turns out the real villain was gasp Ryan Reynolds all along! That’s right, the Canadian heartthrob has been secretly pulling the strings, forcing Deadpool to star in increasingly ridiculous sequels. It’s meta, it’s mind-bending, it’s… probably going to confuse the hell out of casual moviegoers.
Of course, no Deadpool movie would be complete without a healthy dose of pop culture references that’ll be outdated by the time the Blu-ray comes out. Expect nods to everything from TikTok dances to that one meme you saw last week but can’t quite remember. It’s like “Ready Player One,” but with 100% more crotch shots.
The film’s budget has reportedly ballooned to astronomical proportions, mostly due to the cost of CGI-ing out Hugh Jackman’s mustache in every scene. When asked for comment, director Shawn Levy simply mumbled something about “the things I do for art” before curling up in the fetal position.
Critics are already hailing Deadpool 3 as “a movie that definitely exists” and “two hours of my life I’ll never get back, but in a good way?” One reviewer was quoted as saying, “I laughed, I cried, I questioned my career choices. Five stars.”
So mark your calendars, set your alarms, and prepare your finest red spandex, because Deadpool 3 is coming to theaters near you. Just remember: the fifth time Deadpool winks at the camera, you get a free soft drink. The tenth time, you get to leave early. It’s a win-win!
Disclaimer: This article may contain traces of sarcasm, excessive snark, and a complete disregard for the laws of physics and common decency. Side effects may include uncontrollable laughter, sudden urges to break the fourth wall, and a strange craving for chimichangas. Consult your doctor if symptoms persist for more than four hours.
